The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
