I wanna passion pit in your ass
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
