Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
