just survived the first fart of the relationship.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
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had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
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I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
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