and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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