I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
