Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
