party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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