Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
