the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You need a sexual gate keeper
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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