I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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