A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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