alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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