don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
