i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
