This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
