you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
