During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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