So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as a side note pls kill me
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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