I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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