I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE