I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
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boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
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Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.