youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
