She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
