i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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