I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
