haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
