Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
