Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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