Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
