Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
