Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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