I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
