im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So gin and wine won't be happening again
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
the liver wants what the liver wants
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
