I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
