if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
