I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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