I puked a lego.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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