she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
