i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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