Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
