Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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