They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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