Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize