I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
