Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
