Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
