last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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