I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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