You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
