the condom got lost in my hair
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
All the doctor said was why
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