I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
