Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
