Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
