I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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