My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
