dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
